Friday, April 14 and Saturday, April 15 on the Mainstage
Vee Levene and Jill Summerville would like to invite audiences to spend a stimulating and deeply penetrating evening enjoying theatre (and sexual double entendres) at their best. All performances will be held on the Mainstage of the Antioch Area Theatre and begin at 8:00 P.M. Tickets are $8.00 for adults and $5.00 for students and children. Members of Community Government receive free admission. For more information, call (937) 769-1030. Please come…But not on us!
It Adds Up
It Adds Up is a one-act, comedic slice-of-life story with socio-political commentary. Written and directed by Vee “the Monsoon” Levene, the play will have been lauded as the new antithesis of the inaccessible so-called “political” avant-garde. It follows the adventures of Olivia Murphy, a tenacious twentysomething living in a small, nondescript northeastern city. It features an all-student cast, with Sarah Duffy as Olivia, Michael Carroll as the dad, Alex Cochran as the husband, India Davis as the object of affection, Josh Hershfield as the annoyingly not-so-secret admirer, Julie Phillips as the roommate, and Haminy Silva as the boss.
If Only This Date Had The Speed Of Your Tongue
Cast: Nicolas S. Ruley and Jill Summerville
If Only This Date Had The Speed Of Your Tongue is a modernization of Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing. More accurately, it is a shameless lifting of Shakespeare’s plot (Why not? Shakespeare lifted more than a few plots himself.) with a few added complications. Among them: speed dating, wheelchair-based staged combat, and the distinct possibility that the actors who portray Benedick and Beatrice may (or may not) be honestly falling in love. This is a play for Shakespeare aficionados, as well as those who hated Shakespeare in high school. To the latter: If you suspected that Shakespeare was all about sex, then you were absolutely right.
As you may or may not know, Vee ‘The Monsoon’ Levene and Jill ‘The Wood Nymph’ Summerville will be presenting their Senior Projects as a double bill on Friday, April 14 and Saturday, April 15 at 8:00 P.M. at the Antioch Area Theatre. These projects are entitled, It Adds Up and If Only This Date Had The Speed Of Your Tongue, respectively. As they will not be hosting a Talk Back, the gimp and the andro-dyke have kindly agreed to obviate the possibility of audience confusion by answering some commonly asked questions. You, as future audience members, are welcome to post questions to Miss Levene and Miss Summerville. I will be moderating these regularly recurring question-and-answer sessions, as well as asking questions of my own.
—Lord Neville Charles Randolph-Gladstone III, devoted servant to Miss Levene and Miss Summerville
Day #1: Today’s Questions For Miss Summerville
Topic: William Shakespeare
Lord Neville Charles Randolph Gladstone III: Miss Summerville, why did you choose to write, direct, and act in a modernisatioon of a Shakespearean play?
Jill Summerville: Well, Shakespeare is the most well-known playwright in the English language. I think that if I can impress him with my professional skills, then he will express his impression of the impression that I have made by—
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Summerville, what, exactly, are you saying?
Summerville: I want to sleep my way to the top. I have heard that, theatrically speaking, Shakespeare is at the top.
Randolph-Gladstone: You do know that Shakespeare is dead?
Summerville: Oh, I found that out eventually. Then I had to strike a bargain.
Randolph-Gladstone: A bargain?
Summerville: With The Fates. Apparently, Shakespeare is in Literary Purgatory. He would be in heaven, if not for Troilus and Cressida, and the fact that most of his tragedies are funnier than his comedies. The Fates require a bit more logical thinking from their literary geniuses. Anyway, I spoke to The Fates, and they agreed to allow W.S. to enter literary heaven if If Only This Date Had The Speed Of Your Tongue is well attended. Then he will have proven his literary genius by proving that his work is still relevant centuries after his death. Not many playwrights can make such a claim.
Randolph-Gladstone: I would say not. But do you really believe that you can garner sufficient audience attendance to save the soul of William Shakespeare?
Summerville: Yes, if I have sufficient publicity. I can convince one person to attend. Then he can convince others, and…It adds up.
Randolph-Gladstone: Given the self-explanatory nature of that statement, I strongly suspect that you only spoke in order to shamelessly promote Miss Levene’s play, entitled, It Adds Up.
Summerville: It certainly was not a shameful promotion. I do not regret it in the least.
Randolph-Gladstone: Very well. I will now speak with Miss Levene.
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Levene, the main character in It Adds Up works in a coffeeshop. Have you ever worked in a coffeeshop?
Vee Levene: Oh, yeah. I worked in lots of them.
Randolph-Gladstone: How do you feel that that work has prepared you to write and direct this play?
Levene: Well, if you are going to write about a coffeeshop, it kind of really helps to have worked in one.
Randolph-Gladstone: I see. How is directing a play different from working in a coffeeshop?
Levene: You can sit down while you are directing a play.
Randolph-Gladstone: Why is this play, in particular, important to you?
Levene: One, I wrote it. Two, I directed it. Three, this play reveals, in a comedic way, the inherently sexist and elitist societal structures that entrap a character like Olivia. She is entrapped by her lack of financial resources and a college education, as well as by the fact that she is a woman.
Randolph-Gladstone: And yet this play is a comedy.
Levene: Absolutely. Specifically, it is a comedic slice-of-life story with socio-political commentary done in Brechtian/Meisneresque realism.
Randolph-Gladstone: I see…No, I don’t. What, exactly, do you mean?
Levene: That it is funny as hell. Come and see.
Post your questions for Miss Levene and/or Miss Summerville on Announcements, wait breathessly for the next installment of their online Talk Back and, most importantly, come to see their shows on Friday, April 14 and Saturday, April 15 at 8:00 P.M. in the Antioch Area Theatre.
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Levene, you never specify exactly where It Adds Up takes place. However, the play references very specific details about the place in question. Specific bars, for example—and the fact that most of the city officials are in jail. What is the intention behind this intriguing mix of cloudiness and clarity?
Levene: The city where the play is set is important to me, but it isn’t really important to the play. What happens to Olivia could happen to any woman, anywhere. That’s what’s so fucked up about it.
Randolph-Gladstone: About the play?
Levene: No, about Olivia’s situation. The play isn’t fucked up. It’s fucking awesome.
Randolph-Gladstone: As the play is a socio-political commentary, what do you most hope that people learn from watching it?
Randolph-Gladstone: I beg your pardon?
Levene: The idea of writing a play just to be pedantic is so…Pedantic. I hope that people watch the play, think, and act. Learning is passive. I do hope that people learn to recognise all of the play’s references to British comedies, though.
Randolph-Gladstone: I have a fondness for British comedy myself. I laugh on occasion, now that I have given up my post in Parliament.
Levene: ‘On occasion’ is not enough! Comedy is necessary to life. It’s necessary to my life, and I want to make it necesary to the lives of the people in my audience. I want to put the ‘u’ in humourous…Or I would, if I were an Anglophile.
Randolph-Gladstone: As is Miss Summerville.
Levene: Yeah. Get her to talk about Anglophilia.
Randolph-Gladstone: I believe that Miss Summerville wishes to discuss Madonna.
Levene: Madonna! The whore and so-called “artist?”
Randolph-Gladstone: Yes, that Madonna.
Levene: Oh, all right!
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Summerville, you claim that Madonna was an inspiration to you during the writing and rehearsal of this play. Please explain how an adaptation of Shakespeare-whose work could be described as tasteful-could possibly be inspired by Madonna?
Summerville: Lord Neville, you may be a skeptic. You may blame what I am about to say upon caffeine or exhaustion, but I swear to you that Madonna has the answers to all of my creative questions.
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Summerville, have you been drinking?
Summerville: No! Yes…But not to excess.
Randolph-Gladstone: (Under his breath) By whose definition? (Loud again) Please, explain yourself.
Summerville: With pleasure. Madonna first changed my life when I realised that she and her dancers were in chairs for portions of the “Vogue” video. If Madonna can find her physicality in a chair, I thought, then I can find mine in a wheelchair. After that, Madonna started to answer all of my creative questions. How could I make a believable love story? Radiate “The Love Intention.” What was the intention behind my prologue? ‘Come on girls, do you believe in love? ‘Cause I’ve got somethin’ to say about it, and it goes somethin’ like this’—straight from “Express Yourself.” Where had I left my cell phone? “La Isla Bonita.”
Randolph-Gladstone: As…fascinating…as this is, I seriously doubt that you left your cell phone on La Isla Bonita.
Summerville: Be a skeptic if you must, but “Like A Prayer” has mystical powers. It makes the connection between sex and religion clear to us on a spiritual level.
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Summerville…
Summerville: (Singing, and crawling towards RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE, while LEVENE watches impatiently) Life is a mystery. Everyone must stand alone. (Crawls into RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE’S lap.) I hear you call my name, and it feels like home.
Randolph-Gladstone: (Aroused) Heaven help me!
Summerville: You see what I mean, then.
LEVENE rises. She crosses to RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE and pulls SUMMERVILLE off of his lap.
Levene: (To JS) You little whore! You just wanted to seduce an Englishman.
Summerville: I nearly did.
Randolph-Gladstone: Yes, and I strongly suggest that you finish.
Levene: (To LN) Come and see our shows. Comedy is much better than sex.
Summerville: She is right.
LEVENE and SUMMERVILLE exit, leaving RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE woefully unsatisfied.
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Summerville, you have stated that the most difficult part of playing Bea in If Only This Date Had the Speed Of Your Tongue is ‘being a cripple.’ Can you explain what you mean by this?
Summerville: With great pleasure. I understand that, to some, my playing a cripple may seem bold and innovative. I am clearly playing against type. Of course, I do not expect to earn any accolades for this. Good actresses-and those who aspire to be good actresses, like myself-take roles that will challenge them.
Randolph-Gladstone: Of course, but…Miss Summerville, would I be incorrect in stating that you are, in fact, a cripple?
Summerville: You most certainly would, although I am pleased to learn that the rumour has been spread so effectively.
Randolph-Gladstone: I beg your pardon. What rumour?
Summerville: (Whispers) The truth, Lord Neville, is that my co-star, Nic Ruley, is a cripple. In fact, he has played The Cripple Of Innishman fifteen times, and won acting awards for his work in fifteen different states. He is proud of his accomplishments, as he should be, but he is also rather bored. As I mentioned before, a good actor needs an acting challenge…And Nic is a great actor.
Randolph-Gladstone: And so you wrote If Only This Date Had The Speed Of Your Tongue for Nic?
Summerville: No. I wrote the play with another boy in mind for the lead, a student from Wright State University. I had met Nic in the summer of 2004, though, and when I saw him again, I could not imagine acting with anyone else. I simply took his cripplification into account while I was redrafting the play.
Summerville: ‘Crippilification’ is defined as’the state of being crippled’ in the Glossary of Gimpiness.
Randolph-Gladstone: I see. Shall we return to this rumour?
Summerville: Oh, yes. Well, Nic and I were terribly concerned about the possibility of ‘crippilifixation’-an obsession with cripples, the act of crippling, and the state of being crippled-on the part of our audience. We obviated the possiblity of crippilifixation by spreading the rumour that both of us were crippled, with the hope that the audience would be less fascinated by a pair of cripples than it would be by a lone, cripple-based casting coup. We have been spreading the rumour in every manner possible; we have even been anonymously placing large, cryptic posters that read, BELIEVE IN ME on the Antioch campus. What we mean is: Believe in me, Jill, as a cripple.
Randolph-Gladstone: And the campaign has been successful?
Summerville: I would say so. People certainly treat me as though I were crippled.
Randolph-Gladstone: Congratulations! What is the best aspect of working with a cripple?
Summerville: If I may gossip…Specifically, Nic is a paraplegic. This means that he has no feeling in his limbs. As a result, all of our sex scenes revolve around his giving pleasure to me, which means that we have to…
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Summerville, you are aware that no actors, whether professional or otherwise, are actually required to make love during a love scene, either in rehearsal or during a performance.
Summerville: Well, how else is an actor supposed to warm up before a show?
Randolph-Gladstone: Did you not enquire of Miss Levene how to lead a proper warm-up?
Summerville: (Glum) How would she know? She is celibate.
Randolph-Gladstone: Let us hope that her methods are a bit more satisfactory and…legal.
Randolph-Gladstone: What is the most difficult part of directing a show?
Levene: Well, I have seven actors, so one of the most difficult things for me was finding time to work with all of them. I had to be energetic all of the time, even when I was sick, so that I could keep their energy kind of high.
Randolph-Gladstone: And how many of them did you have to sleep with to acheive this goal? Were you ever forced to disregard your own sexual preference for the sake of Art?
Levene: I never slept with any of my actors. I’m their director. I got results from them by directing them. Do you think that I am Paris Hilton or something?
Randolph-Gladstone: Of course not. To my knowledge, Miss Hilton has never directed one of her sex videos, although she always stars in her own work.
Levene: And scripts it, for what that’s worth. I should have called my play, That’s Hot! just to spite her.
Randolph-Gladstone: On the subject of scripting, did you have any difficulty in directing your own work?
Levene: Not at all. The writing is what this process has been all about for me. I know now that I can write a whole, fucking play, which is great. The actors helped me a lot too. Some of the script came from the improvisation games that I had them play.
Randolph-Gladstone: I am not familiar with any improvisation games. Could we play one right now?
Levene: Can you answer my question with a question?
Randolph-Gladstone: Why, whatever for?
Levene: Didn’t you want to play an improvisation game?
Randolph-Gladstone: Is this an improvisation game?
Levene: Do you count the bastardized, Whose Line Is It Anyway? ones?
Randolph-Gladstone: Should I?
Levene: Should you?
Randolph-Gladstone: Well, should I?
Levene: Well, should you?
Randolph-Gladstone: Bloody hell, woman, are you trying to confuse me?
Levene: Did you just call me ‘woman?’ (LEVENE jumps on RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE and wrestles him.)
Randolph-Gladstone: Will you please refrain from punching me?
Levene: No! (Stops punching RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE) Oh, congratulations. You won the game.
Day #4: Today’s Questions For Miss Levene
Topic: Roles And Gender Roles In A Poststructuralist, Postmodern World
Randolph-Gladstone: I have a confession to make, Miss Levene. I have no idea what the title of this discussion means.
Levene: You’re having titular confusion.
Randolph-Gladstone: I beg your pardon?
Levene: Confusion about the title. ‘Titular’ is the adjective.
Randolph-Gladstone: I see. Then what is the meaning of this particular titular choice?
Levene: It is a parodic representation of a common title for an Antioch discussion.
Randolph-Gladstone: That would explain why it gives no indication of what we will actually be discussing to me. Would you be so kind as to enlighten me?
Levene: Yeah, sure. It just means that I cast a kind of straight woman as a gay woman and a gay woman as a straight woman in It Adds Up. Plus, a transsexual gay man and a straight woman have been cast as a straight couple, and a queer man as a straight man. There’s also a queer woman playing a queer woman, but that doesn’t really defy much… Anyway, it’s been really weird, seeing the stereotypes that straight women have of gay women, and vice versa, and etc. But good-weird.
Randolph-Gladstone: Can you provide me-and your potential audience members-with some examples of these stereotypes?
Levene: Well, one example is that one of my actresses plays an authority figure, a boss. She has to dress well. No problem. But in real life, she’s gay. If she dressed up, she might wear a tie, but in the play that would come off as ‘too gay.’ She has to read as straight. The main character, who is kind of straight in real life, has the perfect andro-dyke wardrobe. A lot of people think she’s gay anyway.
Randolph-Gladstone: Was it difficult to direct the actors who were playing sexual preferences that were opposite to their own? Rather, did they have trouble taking direction from you, given their own lack of personal experience in certain sexual roles?
Levene: All of my actors have been really enthusiastic about this project. It has been kind of great, really. Besides, actors always play things they’re not. No one would care if someone who didn’t drink played an alcoholic. Why can’t a straight woman play a lesbian, or a lesbian play a straight woman? In my next play, Jennifer Saunders [from Absolutely Fabulous] will play a lesbian. A hot lesbian. In fishnets.
Randolph-Gladstone: And Miss Saunders is straight?
Levene: Yes. Well, she thinks that she is. She hasn’t met me yet.
Randolph-Gladstone: Oh, I see! Your last comment was a parodic representation of the belief, common among straight males, that a lesbian’s sexual preference can be changed.
Levene: No, I’m really going to jump her bones.
Levene: Oh, I forgot. You’re a Brit. I mean that we’ll fuck like bunnies, as you imperialist bastards say.
Randolph-Gladstone: Does anyone fuck like a bunny in It Adds Up?
Levene: Olivia and Sandy, maybe. But not onstage. And no one fucks a bunny. Or Jennifer Saunders.
Randolph-Gladstone: New frontiers to explore?
Levene: (Menacing) Don’t even think about Jen’s ‘frontiers’, you bloody Brit. They’re mine.
Randolph-Gladstone: (Frightened) Of course. Miss Summerville!
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Summerville, in the press for If Only This Date Had The Speed Of Your Tongue, you state that you have ‘turned’ your co-star, Nic Ruley. Is this true?
Summerville: No. That is just a rumour that I started. Of course, I was the one who started the rumour that he was gay. I wanted to keep him for myself, you see. I stayed in character all of the time, treating him as though he were gay whenever we were in public together. I stayed in character so well that I unintentionally convinced him that he was gay. Sad, really. The curse of being such a brilliant actress.
Randolph-Gladstone: Are you claiming that you treated a straight man as though he were gay, thus making him gay, and you are now trying to make him straight again? I most sincerely beg your pardon, Miss Summerville, but that is perfect nonsense.
Summerville: Why? It is perfectly phrased, and about as true as any sexually-based observation made at Antioch should be.
Randolph-Gladstone: Indeed. I had forgotten where we were. My apologies. I am exceedingly curious to know…Before, when Mr. Ruley believed that he was straight, or now, even…Honestly, sometimes I go to pubs and drink a bit too much, and…Well, I apologised to the man-and his brother. This subject is a very difficult one for me; I am British, after all. But I was wondering…
Summerville: He was my first. I did not bleed much, though I was sore for a few days afterwards. Also, the aftermath required an entire bottle of malt whiskey…but Nic and I are fine now.
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Summerville, I am receiving the distinct impression that your relationship with Mr. Ruley is purely sexual. Is that a correct impression?
Summerville: Absolutely not. If sexual prowess were the only criteria by which we were judging each other, then I would not be able to keep up. I would not be able to keep him up, either, come to that.
Randolph-Gladstone: I must ask…Were you aware of the sexual double entendre in your last statement?
Summerville: There was no sexual double entendre in my last statement. ‘Keep him up’ was merely a play on words, based upon the presence of the phrase ‘keep up’ in my preceding statement. There was no double meaning in the pun. If, however, I were to say, ‘If I could, I would come for Nic Ruley.’ in reference to seeing the play, then I would be making a sexual double entendre. And telling the truth, for that matter.
Randolph-Gladstone: Would you be telling the truth about the fact that, if you were not in the play, you would come just to see Mr. Ruley, or are you referring to the truth of the sexual double entendre?
Summerville: I shall leave that to my audience members to discover, though I hope that some of them will come for me.
Randolph-Gladstone: I am sure that they will. You have explained how you intend to…inspire…your audience. What is your inspiration for this play?
Summerville: If Only This Date Had The Speed Of Your Tongue is my parting valentine for Nic Ruley.
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Summerville, you sound quite serious.
Summerville: Well, Lord Neville, you have gone beneath my facetiousness. You ought to know by now that penetration always has serious consequences.
Randolph-Gladstone: Indeed. I only wish the man in the pub had told me that before I contracted the STI.
Randolph-Gladstone: Now, ladies…
Levene: Gimp and andro-dyke.
Randolph-Gladstone: Very well. Now, gimp and andro-dyke, I would like to invite you to tell your potential audience members and admirers why they ought to come and see your shows.
Summerville: Excuse me, Lord Neville. My answer depends upon how your question is punctuated. If you mean why the potential audience ought to come and see the shows, then I can give the standard self-promotional answers. However, if you are asking why the potential audience ought to ‘come…And see the shows,’ then I shall have to tailor my answer depending upon whom I am talking with. [The British actor] Rupert Everett, for example, should come-multiple times-because of what I can do with my tongue. Oh, and he should eventually see my play as well.
Levene: (To SUMMERVILLE) While we are talking about gender…
Summerville: (To LEVENE) I was talking. And I was not talking about gender. I was talking about sex.
Levene: (To SUMMERVILLE) As usual. (To RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE)Hey Brit…
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Levene, my proper name is Lord…
Levene: Okay, Lord Brit. I didn’t finish talking about the casting of my play, and how I cast actors who respectively encompass a range of gender and sexual identities, portraying characters with a range of gender and sexual identities, not necessarily their own.
Randolph-Gladstone: The actors’ own or the characters’ own?
Summerville: (To RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE) Oh, no! She will never stop now.
Levene: (To SUMMERVILLE) Oh, you would talk about Madonna all day if Lord Brit would listen. Whore.
Summerville: (To LEVENE) Aspiring whore, thank you very much. I could never be Madonna.
Levene: (To RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE) Anyway, anyway, anyway. My casting choices are part of my attempt to deconstruct the gender binary, to parody gender and call attention to the myth of a gender norm. Gender is performative, in the sense that it constructs…
Summerville: Truly? Males never perform well enough to please me.
Levene: Biological sex does not produce gender or gender presentation. Rather, ideology compels us to perform ‘proper’ gender roles from an early age…
Summerville: (To RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE) Oh, this will never end! Could I compel you, by any chance? We could be quick. You could lie back and think of England. I would not mind.
Randolph-Gladstone: (To SUMMERVILLE) Miss Summerville, did you just proposition me?
Levene: Yes, the assignation of strict gender roles is a proposition that is not acceptable. In my play, I obliterate gender assignation by…
Randolph-Gladstone: (To himself) By God, seduction from one and semantics from the other. How can I possibly distract them? I could hypnotise them, thanks to my work with MI6. But what image could possibly be striking enough to subdue them? Of course. (Snaps his fingers. Loud again) Dave Foley in fishnets!
LEVENE and SUMMERVILLE stare at RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE, transfixed.
Levene & Summerville: (Together) Pretty Dave Foley!
Randolph-Gladstone: Now, ladies…gimp and andro-dyke…when I snap my fingers once again, you will only discuss It Adds Up and If Only This Date Had The Speed Of Your Tongue. Specifically, you will attempt to garner audience attendance by telling potential audience members what your plays will include. (Snaps his fingers)
Summerville: A fire hazard. If enough people come, that is.
Levene: Decaf banana latte.
Summerville: Red wine.
Levene: Brechtian/Meisneresque realism.
Summerville: Brechtian simplicity and Shakespearean pretension.
Levene: The third puppy.
Summerville: Third base.
Levene: Fucking awesome signs, which I made.
Summerville: Fuck-ups, which I’ll make.
Levene: My lucky lemon.
Summerville: I will get lucky.
Levene: Wait a minute. Where the fuck is my lemon?
Summerville: Well, I will not truly get lucky. I am lucky to have Nic Ruley, but…Well, I cannot have Nic Ruley…
Randolph-Gladstone: The trance appears to have ended. How disappointing.
Levene: (Upon hearing RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE) You! Did you take my fucking lemon? I love lemons. I kind of need to eat lemons to live. And you took my fucking lemon.
Randolph-Gladstone: (Points to SUMMERVILLE) She was coming on to me. I did not have any Mace, and I had to have something to squirt at her, just in case.
Levene: Give it back! (RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE returns the lemon.) (To SUMMERVILLE) Come on. This Talk Back is over. Everyone knows how awesome we are. (To RANDOLPH-GLADSTONE, who is cowering in a corner) Bye, Lord Brit.
Summerville: Yes, good-bye Lord Neville. And thank you for your services, though you wouldn’t take mine.
Levene: (To SUMMERVILLE) Don’t be too nice to him. He will become the third puppy.
Summerville: A puppy! Oh! I could never love a drooler! Shall we? (SUMMERVILLE and LEVENE exit.)
To find out what Vee did with her lemon, whom Jill will try to do next, and why poor Lord Neville is the third puppy, come to the Antioch Area Theatre to see Vee and Jill’s Senior Projects on Friday, April 14 and Saturday, April 15 at 8:00 P.M. Look for Lord Neville. He will be the drooler with the monocle.
As the unofficial press agent of Miss Vee ‘The Monsoon’ Levene and Miss Jill ‘The Wood Nymph’ Summerville, I would like to thank everyone who attended It Adds Up and If Only This Date Had The Speed Of Your Tongueon Friday, April 14 and Saturday, April 15. Miss Levene and Miss Summerville would like to thank you, their adoring cyber-public, themselves, but each of them is indisposed at the moment. Rest assured, the Siamese twins are together. Miss Levene is currently buried under a large stack of papers for a theory class in Women’s Studies. (She has my sympathy entirely. I have always found studying women to be a rather hazardous practise.) Miss Summerville is crying upon the papers that are burying Miss Levene. She is trying to make the papers soggy so that Miss Levene may tear them and be free. (Miss Summerville’s ceaseless crying is also due to the loss of one Mr. Nicolas Ruley, who recently returned to Washington D.C. I do not blame her for being distraught; I could not help but notice that he is an attractive boy.) In any case, I am left with the task of expressing their thanks to their former audience members, whom they greatly appreciate.
Lord Neville Charles Randolph-Gladstone III, Unofficial Press Agent and Devoted Servant to Miss Levene and Miss Summerville
P.S. The gimp and the andro-dyke would also like to thank the theatre practitioner Bertolt Brecht, for first proving the power of cheaply financed, humourous theatre to them.