By Lord Neville Charles Randolph-Gladstone III
Lord Neville Charles Randolph-Gladstone III: I am here at Heathrow Airport with the comedy duo The Pathological Upstagers, Vee ‘The Monsoon’ Levene and Jill ‘The Wood Nymph’ Summerville. What a pleasure to see the two of you again! Now, if you could be so kind as to tell me—
Vee Levene: About our upcoming projects. Well…
Randolph-Gladstone: Actually, Miss Levene, I wanted to ask—
Jill Summerville: Yes, my claim that Rupert Everett was stalking me was false. Actually, I bound him to me with a child leash.
Randolph-Gladstone: Disturbing… but what I want to ask is this: Why have the two of you chosen to conduct this interview at Heathrow Airport?
Summerville: I wanted to conduct this interview in London…
Levene: And I wanted to be in Ireland.
Summerville: We chose a compromise. We will conduct the interview here, at Heathrow, in London…
Levene: And then fly to Ireland and do it again.
Randolph-Gladstone: I see. I am afraid that I was never informed of this intention.
Levene & Summerville: Well, now you have been.
Randolph-Gladstone: (rather bitterly) The two of you have claimed that you, as a duo, use comedy to manipulate the world into the shape that best suits you. How do you achieve this manipulation (apart from the example of your recent conduct towards me)?
Summerville: If this question is an ill-disguised attempt to make me discuss Rupert and the leash, then I must say…
Levene: (To Summerville) Freak. He wants us to talk about our new projects.
Summerville: (To Levene) Oh!
Levene: We have two new projects.
Randolph-Gladstone: First, tell me about the website for fantasexuality.
Levene: We have a website for fantasexuality.
Randolph-Gladstone: Really? How fascinating!
Summerville: Fantasexuality, which Vee and I both have, is a psychological condition wherein one is only able to fall in love with unattainable people.
Randolph-Gladstone: When I type the term “fantasexuality” into my computer, the computer registers a spelling error.
Randolph-Gladstone: And so I suspect that “fantasexuality” is not a valid term, or a valid psychological condition.
Levene: What do you know? You’re a Brit. You don’t even speak real English.
Randolph-Gladstone: I beg to differ, Miss Levene. I shall defend myself from that bastion of linguistic purity known as the Queen’s English.
Levene: You just proved my point.
Randolph-Gladstone: Shall I sit idly by while I am insulted?
Summerville: (To Randolph-Gladstone) (Soothingly) My Lord, to stab with a rapier tongue where no sword is needed is to create much ado about nothing. If we have offended, we shall apologise herebyforthwith.
Summerville: (To Levene) I speak the language.
Levene: (To Summerville) He speaks with a rapier tongue! I want to stick my rapier tongue out at him. (Sticks out her tongue) (To Randolph-Gladstone) Take that!
Randolph-Gladstone: As I am a gentleman, I shall call this a draw. “Fantasexuality” is a word that the two of you often use. Tell me some other terms that you admire.
Levene: Limey, as in “tastes like limes.”
Summerville: Dandy, as in “effeminate gay man.”
Randolph-Gladstone: I have never heard of any of these words before.
Levene: We haven’t either, but they’re all on Paris Hilton’s new album.
Randolph-Gladstone: Miss Levene and Miss Summerville, tell me about your other new project.
Levene: (To Summerville) This is not about the leash! (To Randolph-Gladstone) We posted an offer on London’s Craigslist. We will be comedic companions for rich people who need entertainment while they travel. We’re only asking to have our expenses paid.
Randolph-Gladstone: I am rather confused. Please explain the nature of a comedic companion more fully.
Summerville: We are like prostitutes, but without the sex.
Levene: Or the groaning.
Summerville: Right. We will cause laughter instead.
Randolph-Gladstone: I understand completely, in a cloudy sort of way. Have you had any offers?
Levene: Yeah, you’ll be paying for our flight to Ireland.
Randolph-Gladstone: I will? Miss Levene and Miss Summerville, I am afraid that I cannot possibly…
Summerville: Do be reasonable. Please! I will write satirical sonnets and witty wordplays for you. I can improvise epigrams.
Randolph-Gladstone: I am afraid that I absolutely cannot…
Levene: I know a lot of cruel jokes about the Welsh.
Randolph-Gladstone: (Holds out his arm to Levene and Summerville)Shall we?
THE PATHOLOGICAL UPSTAGERS are a comedy duo comprised of VEE LEVENE and JILL SUMMERVILLE. Visit the Upstagers’ website. Request their services as traveling companions on Craigslist for London under the post Want a traveling companion to make you laugh? Fore more information about fantasexuality, visit
you’ll have to wait.
LORD NEVILLE, who is both a dandy and a limey, is a freelance columnist whose work has appeared in The Independent. He also would have been featured in The London Telegraph if the editor had not made him sign a contract stating that his work would only be published posthumously. He adores The Pathological Upstagers, and he uses a picture from their website as a screensaver.