Realize I do not have to stop and smell the roses all the time because goddammit I have a metaphorical rose right there under my karmic nose at all times, and I merely need to acknowledge it and appreciate it now and then and maybe get a nice little bud vase to put it in. And hell, maybe I don’t even like roses, and that’s perfectly OK, roses are totally overrated and overexposed anyway, right? Like vitamin water? Like Scarlett Johannsen? Like that guy from Maroon 5? Now orchids. There’s a flower for you. I mean, a good orchid makes your average rose look like a toothless hag at the prom, you know? Basically like comparing fine rum to a bottle of Two-Buck Chuck, am I right? No contest, really. Yes, gimme a suggestive, dangerous orchid any day over a lame, lumpy rose. But hang on – can you really stop and smell the orchids? Do they even have much of a scent? Besides, orchids are pretty sexual, yonic, pornographic, even. Sort’ve makes you want to do more than just smell them, you know what I mean? Wait, would they arrest you for that sort of thing? I bet they would. Bastards. Then again, as catchphrases go, I suppose “stop and hump the orchids” has a pretty lousy ring to it. Unpleasant bumper sticker, too. OK, so roses it is. They are sorta nice, to be honest. Beautiful, even. Sorry about what I said before. I was just being a shmuck. Hell, who doesn’t love a good bouquet of roses? No one, that’s who.

One of Mark Morford’s New Year’s resolutions

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